


spider on the wall

by alienboyv



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Canon Rewrite, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Neglect, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Flashbacks, Gen, Headcanon, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Past Murder, Past minor character death, Post-Canon, Therapy, mentioned sexual trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:41:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25404025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienboyv/pseuds/alienboyv
Summary: a dive into the formation of the alter "Syo" as well as the host "Fukawa Toko." and the beginnings of this system...as well as the start of their recovery.
Relationships: Fukawa Toko & Fukawa Toko's Dad, Fukawa Toko & Fukawa Toko's Parents, Fukawa Toko & Genocider Syo | Genocide Jack, Fukawa Touko & Naegi Komaru, Fukawa Touko & Original Female Character(s), Fukawa Touko & Togami Byakuya, Fukawa Touko/Naegi Komaru, Genocider Syo | Genocide Jack & Fukawa Toko's Dad, Genocider Syo | Genocide Jack & Naegi Komaru, Genocider Syo | Genocide Jack/Naegi Komaru
Comments: 9
Kudos: 75





	spider on the wall

**Author's Note:**

> lemme rant real quick:  
> TOKO DESERVED A BETTER PORTRAYAL OF HER DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER  
> DID is so stigmatized and i understand this was written in 2010 but STILL. DID is not a "crazy" person disorder where you have an insane otherwise (see: Jekyll & Hyde. as much as i love Jekyll & Hyde, and im not sure if it was even meant to be DID, DID isn't the "jekyll & hyde syndrome" as it was once called.)  
> making a system have a "serial killer" personality is so awful, as it completely ignores what DID is and how alters are even formed.
> 
> understandably, it frustrated me to no end while i played Dr:THH because of the importance of "genocide jack", i couldn't just brush off that bit of canon so...i decided to rewrite it :)
> 
> notice: i have read multiple articles and studies about DID, have written school papers about it, and am in general interested in psychology- because i, myself, am a mentally ill person (not because im a fetishizer.) i also know a few systems. i dissociate, if that helps?  
> i began writing this before playing ultra despair girls or watching dr3, so there might be some mistakes i missed.  
> this does take place after DR3
> 
> if i get something wrong PLEASE TELL ME.

A therapist jotted down notes with her blue pen, listening intently to the words Toko murmured.

Toko shifted in her seat, fidgeting with her sleeves and staring at the door, wondering if this was worth it.

"Wh-why does the Future Foundation even have-have a psychologist? This isn't exactly a-a normal job with...insur-insurance or health-healthcare." She shot out, hoping maybe she would be let go. The therapist looked up and Toko glared at her nametag.

Sasaki Keiko, Former Ultimate Therapist, and therapist of the 3rd Division (no relation to the late Miaya Gekkogahara, the former director of the 7th Division.) had many clients.

She mainly worked with those who were recovering from Despair or had recovered from Despair, but still felt it repercussions, those saved by the Future Foundation, Killing Game survivors, or faculty members.

Toko was of the group of Killing Game survivors and faculty members- expect, even before The Tragedy, Toko seemed to have had many mental issues. While Keiko was far from inexperienced in this field, it still was somewhat uncommon for those with prior issues to actually come to her.

Most felt their issues could be dealt with on a later date, or they were more focused on their jobs or dealing with the trauma of The Tragedy- the list went on.

So while she wasn't shocked someone came to her for such problems, she certainly wasn't expecting it- nor was she expecting who came through the door a week ago.

See, the Killing School Game of the 78th Class of Hope's Peak Academy was _kind of_ a big deal-therefore, it's survivors were also big deals.

Sadly, even considering the trauma they went through, a lot of their dirty laundry has been let out to dry- of course, most of these were rumors and either had no confirmation or absolute denial.

"I'm...I'm here to see-see a Ms. Sasaki?" Her timid and stuttering voice broke Keiko out of her trance and she smiled.

"Yes? That would be me. Are you here to set up an appointment?" Toko nodded and walked over. "Well, I guess I should ask- what days are you free?"

"Why would- Oh, well, erm..." She focused on her thinking before speaking again. "I'm free for the next few weeks unless something changes."

"Good, good." Keiko looked at her calendar and pointed at a week from then. "Will this be good?" Toko looked at it and nodded. Keiko circled the date and wrote _FUKAWA TOKO._

"Well, do you want to give me your number or would you like me to get it from a higher-up?" 

"I'll give-give it you..." Keiko handed her a piece of paper for her to write her information on. Toko went back and sat on one of the chairs in the waiting room. When she came back over to hand it back she blurted out something while Keiko was putting her information into her computer.

"You've...you've probably heard some things about me, haven't you?" Toko seemed to be trying to keep herself from indulging in her paranoia by simply being concerned but Keiko took notice. She answered as tactfully as one could.

"While I've heard things, I couldn't possibly discern what was truth and what was merely a rumor- so don't worry, I'm coming in as blind as any therapist should. We'll be discussing patient confidentiality next week-but I guess I should let you know..."

"...Legally, I cannot have you as a client if I have a bias towards you or any sort of relationship with you. Like how a jury must be unbiased, so does any medical practitioner." Toko flinched slightly at the mention of a jury but smiled. She seemed relieved.

"I...I'll be on my way then, see you in a week?" Toko said as she walked out the door.

"See you next week!"

* * *

Keiko wasn't quite sure what to expect of Toko as a client, but she supposes "quiet" wasn't too far off.

"Well, why don't we talk about your childhood?" She thought that'd be a good opener. Toko, on the other hand, seemed to stiffen even more. "This is a safe space, remember that." She smiled.

Toko gave a shaky breath.

"Well...I-I grew up with three parents." Keiko raised her eyebrows.

"Oh, were they polyamorous?"

"No, uh, I'm not really sure what they were." She gave a faux-laugh. "I had two-two moms and a dad. I think he was...with my moms but I think my moms were mostly neu-neutral with each other...I think? Though, when I was younger, I know they ki-kind of disliked each other...and even when they were kinda with my dad they fou-fought and argued with him...a-a lot." Keiko nodded and jotted down her last note.

"Would you like to verify the notes I made?" Toko nodded and looked at the paper.

_FUKAWA TOKO_

_\- Grew up with 3 parents (2 moms, 1 dad)_

_\- moms seemed to be with dad_   
_note: moms argued/fought with dad often_

_\- moms disliked each other in her early years but seemed to become more neutral of one another later on_

_\- seemed to have an unhealthy family dynamic_

Toko stared at the paper.

"Well...um..." She gulped. "The first three seem to be correct but uh, that last one, what does it mean?" Keiko looked at the paper.

"Ah, I thought you might ask about that." Toko's vicious thoughts spat out a _Than why even put it there?!_ But she ignored them. "See, ordinarily, it is often believed children need an equal balance of maternal and paternal care. This is true to some extent, that doesn't necessarily mean their caretakers have to be in love and a married mother and father."

"When it comes to something like a gay relationship, just because there are two men or two women doesn't mean there is a complete lack of maternal or paternal care."

"Even if both fathers are paternal and both mothers are maternal, while it's possible to then feel a lack of maternal or paternal care, this often is caused by media or the society around them."

"In the case that it isn't because of outside factors, it isn't akin to something a child who's mother or father left or if their mother or father were around physically but not emotionally or if their mother's "maternal care" or father's "paternal care" was more aggressive or violent- not so much care as it is abuse."

"Although, with your situation, it sounds closer to a polyamorous relationship or mutual caregiver relationship. Many children have polyamorous parents that are in healthy, loving relationships and they don't have trauma. There are many types of mutual caregiver relationships, and not all of them cause trauma."

"In the case of say, a single parent raising their child with some friends, if they all step up to the plate, it can be a wonderful dynamic. If two people break up before the child is born but decide to both take care of it, that can also be healthy. Now, with these two, there can be a lack of knowledge of romantic relationships."

"If any of the caregivers weren't prepared, that can cause trauma, depending on the circumstance. Kids with divorced, but civil parents still have trauma from the divorce and possibly from when they were still together, but they can still grow up with a newer and healthier family dynamic."

"You're situation is, like I said, closest to a polyamorous or mutual caregiver relationship. Expect, it seems, there were high tensions between your parents." Keiko went on about this.

Toko wasn't sure she was happy to talk about her childhood but...somehow, it seemed much easier than it had a few minutes ago.

* * *

Before she knew it, the hour was up.

As she signed out, Keiko asked her a question.

"Will you be returning?" Toko looked up at her and immediately nodded. Keiko smiled and they decided that two sessions a week would be good.

"Have a good day, Ma'am." Toko smiled and waved her goodbye.

"See you in three days!"

* * *

_A young Toko banged on the closet door, crying out._

_"Mama, mama!" She tried to shake the lock but it was to no avail, her tiny, weak body was no match for the doorknob. "I'll be good, let me out! Please, let me out!"_

_She felt her body weaken, unsure of why she felt this way, she cried out due to her discomfort._

_Two days without food does do that to the body._

* * *

Keiko looked at Toko and frowned.

"Oh...Fukawa." She shook her head. "That's neglect- very serious neglect, too. Refusing to feed you, let you use the bathroom, and locking you in a closet for three days is...did they do stuff like that a lot?"

"Whenever they didn't feel taking care of me, they just sort of...ignored me. They didn't always lock me in the _closet_ , but they didn't really pay attention to me or allow me to be..." She gulped, "...a nuisance. Whenever they didn't feel the need to use me they just..." She shrugged and noticed Keiko's eyes widened at her words.

"Used you...? Fukawa, did they sexually abuse you?" Toko shook her head.

"No, no, I just- no! My parents never sexually abused me." She was scared to say what she meant by _used_.

_Then she'll know who you are- a murderer._

"Fukawa...what do you mean...?" Keiko gently placed her hand on Toko's knee, but Toko jerked back.

"I don't- I don't mean anything! You're hearing things!" She screeched. 

"Fukawa...it's okay, you don't have to-"

"You-you're making things up! You're trying to ruin me! Shut up! Shut up! Sh-" She opened her eyes and looked at Keiko. "Why aren't you calling security, huh?! Why aren't you restraining me!"

"I'm not scared of you, Fukawa. I have no reason to be...you have to reel yourself in." Keiko smiled. Toko was almost calmed down before a spike of terror drowned out her rationality and she, albeit calmer, spoke.

"You-you should be scared of me..." She gulped. "Because I'm a murderer." Her head fell into her hands.

"What do you mean? Is it the School Killing Game? You weren't at fault-" Toko shook her head.

"No, no, I was a murderer before the Tragedy. I'm...I'm Genocide Jack. I'm-I'm sure you've heard th-that rumor before...well, it-it's true..." Keiko looked at her. She wasn't sure if Toko was telling the truth or lying, intentionally or unintentionally.

"Ask-ask Byakuya Togami, he'll tell you th-the same thing!"

"Fukawa..." She sighed, looking at the anxious girl. "If I call him, can you promise to stay here?" Toko looked at her through her tears and nodded.

* * *

"Yes, I can confirm Fukawa is Genocide Jack." Togami said, nonchalantly. 

"Do you have any evidence?"

"Well, she knows stuff about the murders only the murderer would know, she has special scissors only found at the crime scene...and she has Dissociative Identity Disorder and an alter named Syo, who is Genocide Jack, actually." Keiko stared at her desk for a moment.

"Can you send some of this over?"

"Only for the purposes of confirming this, but I will see what I can do." He sighed. "Listen, I don't really like her- and trust me, I have good reason...but I know someone who does, and they want her to get better."

"Do you want her to get better?"

"Yes, I suppose." She could hear the shuffling of papers. "...and besides that one person, and myself, so do the other four classmates of ours."

"Do you want to like her?"

"I see no possibility for any sort of romantic relationship, partially because of past things, and partially because I'm gay." She chuckled.

"That's not what I necessarily meant..."

"Well...I'd like for us to be able to tolerate one another, I suppose. She's become better due to that certain individual and..." He sighed. "...I discovered that many of her actions were due to heavy amounts of trauma and, while I have no intention of excusing her actions, I realize I might've been in the wrong to further ostracize and even enable her twisted world view."

"...I'm not going to make you tell me what exactly you're talking about because I want her to say it, but trust me when I say that I've seen some progress already." Keiko smiled, knowing he couldn't see it.

"I will deliver the papers myself due to their classification, so I will be down there in just a moment." He quickly changed back to his professional attitude and hung up after she gave confirmation that she would be there for the exchange.

* * *

When Keiko walked back into the office, she saw a nearly shaking Toko.

"Fukawa?" Toko looked at her. Keiko smiled and sat down. "Well, everything checks out." Toko began to truly shake.

"If-if that's the case, I-I guess I should take my-my leave, or are you-you going to-" Keiko shook her head.

"I don't know what kind of person you think I am, but I have no intention of...making you leave or reporting you. I want to hear your side." Toko's mouth was agape.

"Th-the first murder?"

"If that's where you want to start." Keiko smiled and Toko felt her shoulders relax. Her mind was screaming no but-

"Well...it was Junior High..."

* * *

_"This is why you can't fucking trust boys at your age! Who would wanna be with a girl like you?" Toko's dad yelled at her as he drove them back home from the theatre. Toko had called their home phone, in tears, saying the boy that had asked her out had left in the middle of the movie and never returned._

_"He probably just wanted to fuck you but realized it was no use when he remembered who you are- goddamn idiot girl." He mumbled as he parked, forcing Toko out of the car._

_"Wasn't this one of the guys that used to bully you? The hell was the point of agreeing to it? Did you not recognize him, for fuck's sake?"_

_"Well-well I just th-thought-" He shook his head._

_"Just shut up and get inside." She ran inside as he stood behind her._

* * *

"Did you...?" Toko shook her head.

"There's more..."

* * *

_"It...it was a dare...?" Toko sat at her desk, feeling her chest tighten and her eyes begin to water._

_Whenever it felt like she had finally calmed down, she could suddenly hear him and his group of friends snicker._

_At the end of the day, she rushed out and was going to begin walking home when she felt someone grab her by the arm and pulled her into their truck._

_She almost began to scream when she realized it was her dad._

_"Toko...that's the boy, right?" He pointed at the boy, Ken Harada. "The one walking home?" She nodded. He sighed._

_"Y'know, I'm kinda tired of getting my hands dirty, Toko. Couldn't you do it for dear ol' pops?" When she looked over to him in confusion, she was stunned by the malicious face, darkened with a desire- desire for...?_

* * *

_"Why...why are we following him? Dad?" She panicked, grabbing on his sleeve as he slapped her away._

_"I have my own little hobby- it's fun...but I've almost got caught doing it." She gulped._

_"Wh-what is it?" He smirked. "What...?"_

_"I've always thought myself to be among the greats...I've always had this itch- a killer itch, you could say? Some people like to say what I do is brutal but it's so...satisfying for me." He watched the young boy walk down an alleyway, stopping to light a cigarette._

_"Remember those special scissors nana got you?" She nodded. His gloved hands reached in and handed her them, forcing her to also put on gloves._

_"Here, I'll start it out for you." They snuck into the alleyway before he found a blunt chair leg, he smiled as he hit the boy over the head with it._

_"Dad!?" She cried out. "He's knocked out!"_

_"Shut up!" He pushed her in front of the body. "Now, stab him- do whatever you want- just fuckin' kill him."_

_"No, dad, I'm not-no-" He smacked the side of her head._

_"Hey, remember that time we put you in a closet?" He smiled. "That was only 3 days, think you could survive a week?" Her eyes widened but she shook her head._

_"No, I will-" He kicked her knee in._

_"Do it! Fucking do it!"_

_"No-no, I can't-I-" He continued to yell at her, somehow attracting the attention of no one. She felt herself be pushed towards the body and- I can't-I can't-no-no-_

_When she looked down, she realized the gloves were covered in blood._

_She fainted._

* * *

_When Toko awoke, her father was there, still._

_He smiled at the body, poking it._

_"Maybe we should take this and..." She bolted up._

_"No!" What are you planning to do to him?_

_"...You wanna leave him?" She stepped back in fear when suddenly her dad stood up, smiling. "You're good, we can leave him here, maybe with some of those scissors inside of him?" He grinned._

_"I-I-" He nodded._

_"Come on, Toko, how do you wanna leave him?" She walked over the body, wobbling as she felt herself become more nauseous._

* * *

"After that, I-I don't remember. It's all kind of blurry." Keiko looked stunned.

"Was...was Syo already there...?"

"You-you know about her?" Toko gulped. "Well, I think so...I remember before she really... _became_...I started having blackouts and they escalated up until...her real first appearance."

"That makes me question how Syo formed..." Keiko wondered to herself. "Well, when did Syo...emerge?" 

"It-it was the third one..."

* * *

_Gaku Shouji._

_Toko barely knew him- she knew he was sweet to her, he passed her in the mornings when she walked to school._

_So, she wasn't surprised when her father took her out to lure him in and kill him._

_She barely remembered the second one, just that she thought he was handsome and her dad made her kill him. When she tried to refuse, he did the same thing as before- so, she did. It became blurry to her. All she remembers is his name- Tetsuhiro Honda._

_This time, however, she blacked out. At the same time, she realized he had dog fur on him, and sneezed._

_When she came back, she was in the truck again._

_Her dad kept talking about "Syo" saying "it's smart to come up with a different name."_

_Toko had no clue what he was talking about._

* * *

"It wasn't until a-a few months later in a psy-psychology book I was reading that I realized how mu-much I related to the...erm...studies of people with alters..." She began mumbling and Keiko nodded. "I think? It's hard to describe."

"So, you related the criteria of Dissociative Identity Disorder? Could you go more in-depth with that?"

"Well, I-I realized I would blackout for periods of time and when I would come back, I would find I had done stuff I had no memory of doing...and when I did become self-aware that I had an alter, I realized just how distinct she was."

"We were able to somewhat interact but whenever we did I just...I hated her _so-so much_. She enjoyed killing people and torturing me- she made me feel guilty and disgusting." Keiko nodded and wrote down this.

Suddenly, her watch went off and she looked worryingly up at Toko.

"Now, I have to ask this because I'm required- do you believe yourself to be a danger to yourself or others?" Toko shook her head. "Well, is there any way I can help?"

"Wh-when will our next session be?" Keiko smiled when she realized Toko was also smiling.

* * *

"Now, I wanted to discuss Syo." After a bit of small talk, Keiko had finally decided to bring up her main concern. Toko jumped and nodded. "When you say she enjoyed killing people and torturing you- what do you mean?"

"W-well, I think she took some enjoyment out of killing these men. I've been told she likes to say that she kills any man she finds handsome. She constantly insults and belittles me- oh, but she's gotten a lot better. She hasn't killed anyone since before Hope's Peak Academy and her insults are still there but she's...she's just not as bad." Toko rubbed her temples.

"It's fine if you don't know how to put it into words." Keiko smiled. "I wanted to bring up something you've mentioned both about Pre-Tragedy and Post-Tragedy." Toko hummed in questioning.

"See, you've mentioned this phobia of blood you have. Hemophobia. Well, Syo seems to have...the opposite of that, right? She does a lot of things you deem harmful to yourself and others, right?" Toko nodded.

"Well, that brings me to two things," Keiko looked up from her notebook. "...have you ever heard of a persecutor alter?" Toko shook her head.

"Th-that book never mentioned different kinds of alters and I-I...was too scared to look i-it up." She fiddled with her thumbs.

"Well, a persecutor alter is one that purposefully harms the body, host, other alters, or even themselves. They often hold self-hatred and an abundance of negative views that are often given to them from the exact trauma that caused them to become an alter." Toko's eyebrows shot up.

"Doesn't that sound like Syo in a lot of ways? Though, it sounds like to the separation you now have from your trauma she and you have been able to improve- nonetheless, it's still important to cover this and cope with it." Toko nodded.

"My second thing is related to that...what do you think made Syo develop?"

"My-my bad childhood...?" Toko questioned herself.

"Well, I think it might go a bit deeper than that- but you're on the right track!" Keiko gave a thumbs up. "That brings me to this- I think Syo was formed due to the trauma you faced. More specifically, due to your already present trauma, these events traumatized you and to cope, your brain formed Syo so she could handle this."

"So...my-my brain packed it up in a-a little box and put it in the corner of-of the room to deal wi-with later?"

"Sort of! That brings me to my next question- you say Syo hasn't murdered since you got away from your father...have you ever wondered if Syo maybe just...liked murdering because she had to? That's all she could do?" Toko looked at her, confused.

"But she-she has wanted to!"

"Wants and actions aren't the same things- oftentimes, fears can even be confused for desires. She's had ample opportunities to murder but chose not to, why?"

"Well, she-" Toko stopped herself. As she thought of all the opportunities, she realized that no matter the obstacle, Syo should have still tried. "...maybe it's because of ma- Togami?"

"Actually, I've been meaning to ask about that. He mentioned you and him have some...bad blood?"

"Well I wouldn't say th-" Toko stopped herself again. "I don't know. I just...when we met in the School Killing Game, I become so infatuated with him! I followed him around everyone and said so-some really...inappropriate stuff to him. Me nor Syo ne-never touched him! Even we ha-have boundaries."

"That doesn't make it any better..."

"I-I know, Ms. Sasaki!" She sighed. "I-I should have gotten permission from him to follow him around and say those things- whether by asking him or taking the clue the first time he rejected me when I said the first thing to him...

"I-I think he had some right to treat me like how he did..." Toko giggled to herself.

"What do you mean?"

"He would insult me...belittle me...treat me like garbage..." Toko sighed and calmed her breathing. "But I would do anything to please him."

"That...that's still awful." _It sounds like Togami was telling the truth._

Keiko assessed her paper and took in everything said so far.

_For many years, Fukawa has an unhealthy infatuation with Togami while he mistreated her. She would follow him around and say inappropriate things to him while Togami would belittle her._

_Based on her behavior, it seems she enjoyed this mistreatment. Based on his "enabling comment", she would obsess over him more when he treated her poorly- punishment to herself._

_She tried to please him at every moment, but due to her obsessive nature, this would frighten/annoy him._

_Essentially, the cycle goes like:_

_Toko obsesses over Togami_ _- > _ _Togami insults her_ _- > Toko obsesses more and tries to please Togami. -> Togami insults her and likely be perturbed by her. -> THE CYCLE WOULD REPEAT._

"How is it now?" Toko gulped.

"Well, it had already lessened due to our infrequent contact from working here," Keiko realized Togami likely purposefully made sure they didn't see each other. "...but I was still acting like that up until about 4 years ago when I um...met someone?" 

"Another guy?" Toko giggled and shook her head.

"N-no. It's somewhat classified but it was during my time in Towa City- of course, I still live there with her, but that's beside the point. She actually is the one who encouraged me to come here...Naegi Komaru." Keiko's eyebrows went up.

"Isn't that Naegi Makoto of the 14th Division's little sister?" Toko nodded.

"Sh-she's helped me a lot. She really is my best friend."

"...it's always nice to have a support system." Keiko smiled.

* * *

Keiko was a bit...confused when she saw Toko walk in with a pepper shaker.

"...?" She stared at it before Toko finally noticed her expression.

"S-sorry about th-that, Ms. Sasaki. Remember how I mentioned Syo is triggered by sneezes?"

"Oh, that's what gets her to front?"

"...that means be in charge of the...b-body, right?" Keiko nodded. Toko sat down and put some pepper on her finger. "Sh-she isn't danger-" Keiko put a hand up.

"I trust she won't be. I'm sure it'll be nice to meet her." Toko breathed in, trying out some breathing exercises before finally putting the pepper up to her nose.

"...ah...ah...ah _CHOO!_ "

* * *

Syo looked around the room, remembering the note Toko left in their journal.

"Helloooo, Keiko, is it?" Syo grinned, flashing her teeth. Keiko nodded.

"Oh, you already knew my name?" Syo nodded. _Miss Morose actually talks about me?_

"Me and Miss Morose share a journal! We write down all the stuff we do so the other can know." Keiko's eyebrows raised.

"That's smart! Who thought of it?"

"Well, Dekomaru was the one who brought up a way for us to communicate, but Miss Morose is the one who brought up using a journal!" Syo rambled. "So both of 'em, I guess?"

"Dekomaru is...Naegi Komaru, correct?" Syo nodded.

"Sooooo, what's it you need little ol' me for?"

"Well, I believe you're as much as a patient of mine as Fukawa is!" Syo's eyebrows lift and she cackled.

"You're pretty cool, kiki!" Keiko giggled.

"So, I'd like to discuss your first memory- what's the furthest back you can remember?" Syo pondered for a second.

"There's like...two first memories- I think that makes sense. Does that make sense, kiki?" Keiko's head tilted to the side.

"What do you mean, two first memories?"

"Well, I, Syo, am no fool!" Syo cackled. "I can tell when my memory is mine and when it's Miss Morose."

"I thought you two didn't share memories...?"

"We don't- I just got this one memory that...well, it ain't mine!" Keiko wrote this down.

"Would you mind describing it?"

"No problemo!"

* * *

_"See, this is what ya daddy does for a hobby, got it, Toko?" Toko shivered in the corner as she saw her crush and ex-classmate, Issei Kanno, hung up to the wall by scissors. Brutally murdered._

_She remembered sobbing as the class laughed at the note she had given him- professing her feelings. Even if he did that- no, even if he had done something worse than that, did he deserve this? No, no, no-_

_"You can't tell anybody 'bout this, got it?" Her father gave her a grim smile._

_"I'll be in the truck, get your ass their after you...take in the scenery." He walked out of the room, leaving Toko alone to her own devices._

_She felt herself blackout for only a moment, waking up barely 5 minutes later and screaming._

_She ran out of there, horrified._

* * *

Keiko was shocked. Her mouth dropped.

"...so, that wasn't the first murder?"

"Sort of. She was there for it but uh, ol' pops did the actual slice-n-dicin'." Syo shrugged.

"...Fukawa must have repressed the memory murder itself- she mentioned her first crush hanging up the note and the teachers seeing her writing abilities..."

"And I ended up getting it!" Syo huffed.

"This...this explains a lot- even though the father gave the scissors, by itself, there should have been no reason Syo would have gotten the idea to hang him up later unless she had a memory of it..."

"...and the reason Syo felt the urge to murder men she found attractive was more than just because she found the previous murder victims attractive or nice..." Originally, she had thought it had been because of the father's idea during the murder of Ken Harada, but this might make more sense.

"...it was because the first murder she witnessed was her first crush..."

"Damn, Miss Morose didn't know that's where I got the idea to hang 'em up?!" Even Syo seemed shocked. 

"Well...y-" Syo sniffled, causing Keiko to look up.

"Guess our time is up-" She sneezed and Toko blinked.

"...she didn't do anything, did she? I've had her under control for a while now but-"

"Syo was fine. I liked her!" Keiko smiled before her face fell flat. "Listen, I...I have something to tell you. It's a memory that Syo has- it's likely a repressed one because it's from way before she formed. I need to know, are you ready to hear it?" Toko's eyes widened and she bit her thumbnail.

"Don't bite your nails, it's bad for them!" She spoke gently.

"I...I think I need a-a bit more time. I w-would maybe like to, um, tr-try to schedule around it? In case it-it puts me ou-out of com-commission..." Keiko could hear the increase in her stutter.

Keiko smiled. "Of course! Speaking of which, I think one way to help you further your progress will be to uncover any repressed memories, as they could be the key to or origin or any issues you may have. This also includes Syo!" Toko nods.

"That...that makes s-sense. I also assume y-you might want to talk to Syo...?" She began to mumble her words more as the sentence continued. Keiko nodded.

"I should mention, we'll likely be unable to make you recover memories that Syo has- such as _that_ memory. I'll tell you what I know but I also ask that Syo write that one down or any others she thinks is important." Toko stared at her, a bit confused.

"How about we save all of this for when you and I have time?" Keiko offered. Toko nodded slowly.

"Well...well, if that's the case then..." Toko breathed in. "Let's try to schedule it now!"

* * *

"So, next month, we'll both be available every Tuesday and Thursday at 9:00 am from the 4th to the 22nd?" Toko nodded. Keiko smiled.

"Y'know, I'm really proud of you, Fukawa. You've only been here for 5 months, but you're really showing improvement." Toko looked up, seemingly flabbergasted from getting a compliment. Toko mumbled something before speaking out loud.

"Thank you, Ms. Sasaki." For the first time, there was a beaming smile on Toko's face.

* * *

"So, I wanted to speak to you about your first memories- not including the repressed memory of Fukawa's that we already talked about." Keiko smiled at Syo, who was currently fronting.

"Well..." Syo pondered. "My first memories were either the murders or sitting in class- the first few are blurry, ya know?" Keiko nodded.

"Well, what's the first thing you truly remember? Like, vividly?"

"Hm...well, I think it was..."

* * *

_"Wh-why are you doing this?" Shouji whimpered out, weak from the loss of blood._

_She stabbed a scissor into him._

_"I have to."_

_"Why?!" He yelled, to which she covered his mouth._

_"I know you're a good kid- kids like you-" He coughed. "They don't just do this because they felt like it."_

_"Exactly, I have to."_

_"...maybe you do..." His breath stuttered._

_"Please...I have a fam...family...they need..." His sentence fell short. She just stared._

_That's all she could do._

* * *

"That...that would have been the third- well, fourth- murder, Gaku Shouji, correct?" Syo nodded. "That lines up with what Fukawa said. Any more memories of note?"

"School!" Keiko raised an eyebrow.

"I remember school _pretty_ well!" Syo grinned. "I'm the only reason Miss Morose passed geometry after all!" She cackled.

"You're good at geometry?" Syo nodded.

"Scaling stuff and blueprints is easy! My favorite was when it came to sewing, though!" She put her hands on her hips in triumph. "I'm actually pretty good at sewing, knitting, whatever that sort of stuff is!" Keiko smiled as Syo began to talk about her hobbies.

* * *

"So...that's why Syo says we killed him?" Keiko nodded.

Toko sighed.

"Fukawa...are you-"

"I'm a bit surprised- I'm not lashing out like I-I would have not even th-that long ago." 

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fe-feeling sympathy for h-his family and..." She narrowed her eyes. "Angry at m-my dad- I've been angry be-because he made Ju-Junior High me kill these men-"

"-and I've been angry at Syo because sh-she seemed to enjoy it but...to kill a child in front of an-another child? That's...that's sickening!"

"It makes sense you repressed this. Storing memories in an alter is a defense mechanism to ensure these memories don't traumatize you- that's one reason why we can't make you recover the memory." Toko nodded.

"I...I think I'm ready to begin recovering any repressed memories I have...that Syo doesn't also have, of course." She rubbed the back of her neck.

Keiko nodded.

"I believe in you."

* * *

Keiko had already noted that Fukawa seemed to have an obsessive fixation on sexual or suggestive things. This was also found in Syo.

No matter how many times the thought that Fukawa possibly had sexual trauma occurred to her, it didn't mean she wasn't saddened to hear it was true.

From a young age, she was exposed to sexually explicit material, some of it very inappropriate, even for an adult.

As their sessions continued and Toko was able to recover repressed memories- it was discovered this had an enormous impact on her. She had been desensitized from sexual activities, which eventually turned into a fixation.

She wasn't taught proper boundaries, and, after a few months, recovered memories of an assault- of which she assumed was okay at the time.

* * *

_Toko had been 13 and the boys had been bullies from a grade above and made her believe she was lucky they chose her out of all the other girls._

_She was lucky anyone wanted her at all._

* * *

Toko said this was the only one, and even so, Keiko comforted her.

She also said that she was glad she had Komaru, who had been with her when she had had a nightmare featuring this incident.

"You're taking all of this very well- I hope you know you're allowed to be hurt by it." Toko nodded.

"I am...! I just..." She inhaled. "I'm trying to first accept it happened. I have a support system and...I'm safe now. I have been having panic attacks and flashbacks of it but...I want to get better!" She huffed. Keiko patted her on the knee.

"I know you've got this."

* * *

Due to these uncovered memories, Toko had a drop in her mental health- but with the help of Keiko and Komaru, as well as her on perseverance, she was able to recover bit by bit.

Toko had begun trying more breathing exercises and grounding exercises. She found things such as stim toys to be helpful, whether she be having a flashback or just normal anxiety, they helped ground her and keep her mind focused. 

Even Syo seemed to be getting better, based on what Keiko and Komaru, as well as their message journal, had been saying.

* * *

"Did...did you actually want to kill anyone?" Syo looked at her hands.

"I...I don't _know_. I'm always boasting about killing people and having urges but...I don't...I have.." She groaned.

"I _didn't!_ I didn't want to kill anyone but I had to! _I had to to survive!_ " Keiko nodded. "And I still get these thoughts I can't control!" Syo let out a sob.

"I'm getting better- I'm not as obsessed with Byakuya or aggressive to anyone as much but I still...still get these thoughts!"

"Thoughts don't have to mean anything- especially if you don't want them. You're going to be okay, Syo." Syo sobbed. "It's okay, let it all out...just let it out, Syo."

It was about 30 minutes later when she had fully calmed down.

"I...thank you, kiki." Keiko nodded while Syo giggled, wiping her tears off.

* * *

Toko was aware that the journey she and Syo were on was a tough one, one where she or Syo could relapse or mess up, where they might discover stuff they don't like or do stuff they might not want to...but...

* * *

"I've st-started showering more often!" Toko smiled. "Once a week, in-in fact."

"Fukawa, I'm so glad! That's such an improvement from one a month!" Keiko smiled.

"It's been hard...as y-you know..." Keiko nodded. "...with the marks on my th-thighs as well as just...m-my memories associated with water aren't the greatest, as you know."

"You've also mentioned it's also because of your insecurities?"

"Yeah, w-well, uh..." She breathed in. "I'm glad I'm showering more often! I'm glad I don't h-have to be ashamed an-anymore. I feel a lot better, physically and mentally."

"There's nothing to be ashamed of- you had reasons why you didn't!" Toko smiled. "I'm glad showering makes you feel that way now!"

"Th-thank you."

* * *

Toko and Syo were both ready to face that journey, they were ready to get better- for Future Foundation, for the other survivors, for Komaru, and most importantly, for themselves.

* * *

Komaru was seated next to Toko, both under a blanket that Syo had sewn.

"I'm proud of you both." Toko felt her hand wrap around hers. She relished in the soft skin before turning to her.

"I'm sure Syo will be ecstatic to hear that, Omaru." She kissed her on the cheek, making Komaru blush and giggle.

"I hope so." She grinned. She snuggled closer to Toko and hugged onto her. "Night, Toki."

"Goodnight, Omaru."

* * *

Toko and Syo were ready, and they knew they could do it.

They were getting better, step by step.

**Author's Note:**

> togafuka? awful  
> toko and byakuya be able to move forward as friends because they've both grown since then and understand they both treated each other badly? good.
> 
> check out t0k0maru on instagram if u dont understand why togafuka is bad :)
> 
> originally, i wanted to do toko + syo's full recovery but then i realized...that could take YEARS in the ficverse, so i decided to get them to good point and leave it there- knowing theyre both recovering.
> 
> twitter: [kaffeine6](https://twitter.com/kaffeine6)


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